This book results from a Gallup Organization study of the importance of friends in the workplace. Some of the study’s key conclusions were:
* Without a best friend at work, the chances of being engaged in your job are 1 in 12 (8%). p.54
– With a best friend you are seven times as likely to be engaged in your job (58%)
– Only 30% of employees report having a best friend at work.
* People with at least three close friends at work were 96% more likely to be extremely satisfied with their life. p.54
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Other interesting observations about close friends were:
* “Our closest relationships have a powerful effect on our behavior” p.22
– In one survey “fewer than 2% have a religious preference that differs from that of their best friend or parent” even though 20% reported their religious preference was primarily shaped by their own inquiry. p.22.
– “If your best friend has a very healthy diet, you are five times as likely to have a very healthy diet yourself.” p.24
– “of the 104 people surveyed, among those who had a best friend who was not physically active, not one was very physically active themselves.” p.24
* In a study of patients with heart disease “having at least four friends appears to provide the maximum protective effect.” p.25
* We may not need an extraordinary quantity of friends (more than 4 may not make much difference) but “it is likely to be the quality of our friendships that matters most. Each person needs a few very deep friendships to thrive. … The absence of high-quality friendships is bad for our health, spirits, productivity, and longevity.”
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Vital friend — someone who is essential to your good life, i.e., p.76
* someone who measureably improves your life.
* a person you can’t afford to live without
To determine who is a vital friend Rath recommends the following test questions. p.77:
* Would your overall satisfaction with life decrease if this person were no longer around.
* Would your achievement or engagement at work decrease if this person were no longer around.
Note that these questions align well with the following aspects of happiness:
* pleasure — satisfied, pleased, enjoying life
* involvement — engagement, flow
* pride — achievement, accomplishment
See the post 6 individual types of happy.
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One common sense concept he calls the rounding error, i.e., expecting the other person to be well rounded enough to meet your every need. p.35 Since perfection rarely happens the better approach is to focus “on what each friend does contribute to your life”. p.38 “We should not expect any of our friends to be good at everything. This ’rounding error’ can poison the very best friendships and marriages.” p.37
He also describes this insight using a knife analogy. I.e., it is more useful to sharpen the edge of a knife designed to cut rather than trying to sharpen the flat side or the handle. “Instead, the key is to know the areas where each friendship has the most potential for sharpening.” p.75
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The Gallup surveys “revealed that people have significantly better friendships when they know and can easily describe what each friend contributes to the relationship.” p.76 And “only 30% of people find it easy to describe what each friend contributes to their life.” p.79.
To help with this clarification process the book describes eight roles the surveys found, one or more of which might be filled by a vital friend. I.e.,
supporter:
Builder – invests in you and helps you productively use your strengths. p.87
Navigator – has a knack for helping you find your way, perhaps just by talking through the pros and cons with you until you find an answer. p.129
Champion – accepts you the way you are and promotes your cause. p.93
co-worker:
Collaborator – has similar interests and can share good experiences related to these interests. p.99
Companion – is always there for you, is easy to trust, and comfortable to be around. p.109
Energizer – fun friends who are great to relax and have a good time with. p.117
resource:
Connector – gives you access to new contacts and resources. p.111
Mind Opener – stimulates you to embrace new ideas, opportunities, cultures, and people. p.123
The book also provides a password protected link to a site to help you analyze which roles particular friends may play in your life.
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Here are a few changes that might occur as you strengthen your vital friendships: p.155
* an improvement in your physical health.
* more happiness on a day-to-day basis.
* increased engagement and achievement in your job.
* clear expectations between you and your close relationships.
“Building on your vital friendships can improve countless facets of your life if, and only if, you dedicate your attention to the positive roles people do play in your life instead of focusing on what they don’t bring to your life” p.155.
“Start there. Then focus your attention on what you contribute.” “It is critical that you figure out what you add to each friend’s life. ” Each friendship requires give and take. p.155
